Inner Soul

A lot of things has happened over the past few months but, I’ve felt so uninspired to type anything nor post photos from the new camera.

Original Title:Random Thoughts #35: Time Away Pt.3 “Sounds of Silence.

  Personally. Its been a VERY long time since I typed something and since I’m home from work….I might as well say a few things. I missed alot of my fam from Tumblr. Usually I don’t like being away for so long. Well.. Alot has sort of happened. My grandmother recently passed away at the age of 83. Sad memories. Family Reuniting. Dad and I still aren’t speaking. My ex-girlfriends keep returning in my life but,they gets NO LOVE here…Still at my shitty job, but still planning to find another job so I can quit Longhorn Steakhouse. I’m in a better state of mind. Less depressed, more happy about life..

Now that’s all out of the way.. 

Lets begin….

Things are changing for me. My dreads are getting longer. I’m becoming less nice.(which is good,because I’m standing up for myself now.) My patience is just right. Life is testing me right now and I’m going to succeed no matter what the cost is…

Its my birthday..and I love everybody.

I was going to type a story on why I officially hate Valentine’s Day..but I realized that I did that already.

Here is the story.

BUT… I will type something important later today..SO BE PREPARED.

Since I have time to kill and I’m wide awake; I might as well tell you a story. 

You see,when my mother was pregnant with me; my original due date was actually Valentine’s Day but for some reason I was born on George Washington’s birthday.

I’ve never had a good Valentine’s Day. Its ALL been bad. Really terrible and  me being me,I would actually try SO hard to please the one girl to be mine, but it never works out for me at all. Last Year,I worked a double shift and my evil bitch of a ex and I planned dinner and movie that night. I slaved all day at my job and I get off really early. I shave and shower and get a whole wardrobe just for her. I even bought a new pair of Vans.lol. 

She said she would pick me up at 8…but then 8 past and then it was 10 already. I called her and I gotten no answer. I pretty much gotten stood up so badly. I had bought her her favorite flowers and candy. Til this days,it was one of the most dreadful days of my life. The next day, she really had the nerve to give a terrible excuse that she had to work..(Need to remind you that she gets off 2 hours earlier than me.) Such bullshit. and wasted time. Til this day,I have never forgiven her about that.. 

All I’m saying is ..

This year,after work..It will be me being alone with a bottle and Candy Bars.. and Tumblr.. 

What should I really do?

 Let me tell you something. Love doesn’t have a race nor gender. Never limit yourself from finding your true love.

Personally..

I know that everyone has that crush that just comes in their life..

and some people crush so hard that you’re wishing that they are closer to you..

or 

If they’re crushing on you.(feeling the same way)

The point is..you build yourself for failure and you don’t even know it. I say that because I did. I fell for someone that lived in California and personally,we connected so great and I thought she was the one. She told me NOT to fall for her,but I didn’t listen. Now at my current state,I realize that I reached the point of no return and pretty much when it all came to the point; I got hurt and she fell for someone else. 

We lost touch and til this day..I still feel like the biggest idiot.

WHY you ask?

Because I gave her precious time out of my busy life to support her during her toughest times. I literally sent her something very “sentimental” to me and I feel like a dumbass because that item was really worth something.(A special person passed it down to me in other words.)

I got emotionally drained and I felt all angry for a few months. I hated anyone who was in a relationship. I didn’t want to talk to anyone for weeks and I got sick. I stopped eating and sleeping for days. I let my dreads unravel and stopped shaving.

I constantly griped and complained at my job and my own father couldn’t help me due to the fact he walked away from me. My mother was no help. I felt everything was FALLING apart physically and mentally. I constantly had the same nightmare whenever I slept. Over and over. I rarely have dreams/nightmares, but when I did; terror would just plague me.

I would dream of being in the jungle where I would see her literally in front of her and she would fall and I would catch her every time. When I caught her,she would literally stab me or slit my throat and yell at me. I would wake up in a pool of sweat and blood out of my nose. I knew that something was wrong and I really had to think this through. I kept in contact with a old friend who gave me advice. As time passed, I gotten more better. I stopped thinking about it and eventually I had finally let her go fully.

I stopped having  nightmare and I had the same thing but instead of her,it was another person who was reading. She covered her face and when she was about to reveal her face, the sun would cover her face and I would smile. 

Personally,I still have a lot to learn to let things go and realize to stop looking for a person and learn to love and empower myself. 

Crushes come and go.

I don’t have a moral to this story..all I can do is just be patient.

Can someone tell me the moral of this story?

I’m BACK!!!!!!! 

100 percent!!

I finally have internet at my house!!!

Time to start some things off.

Did anyone miss me?

As I type this… I realize something.

I originally wrote this on paper and pen but I truly hated it because It was sounded so dark and gloomy. I was so angry and frustrated about life itself that I burned it.

So I start off on a better note/mood. 

As of today. I slightly enjoy life bit by bit. I went to go see Rise of the Guardians with friends and this special friend that I have. She was clearly happy to see me but It was like someone really said something wrong to her. I play “Therapist”/Best Friend to her and I gotten some deep information about her girlfriend(sort-of). I gave her my honest opinion about it and some side-advice. She truly agreed with me and we continued with the movie. We ate Taco Bell, telling jokes and laughing at her brother’s girlfriend when she had a nacho on the back of her shirt. We left and chilled at her place and watched Good Deeds. We laughed and I sat there realizing that she is probably the only friend(female wise that I find truly special) that actually gets who I am. A tear came out of my eye and I quickly turn away so no one sees me. She takes me back to my parents house and we just sat in the car and talked about our pets and our lives in the present. We take jokes at each other and as much I wanted to kiss her..I didn’t. I simply hugged her and told her that “everything is going to be fine, I promise you that.” She nodded and we went our separate ways. As much I want to be with her..I cannot come on too strong yet be too weak. All I can do is just support her and be her friend. I am making progress not to get too attached to someone. I just hope she feels the same way someday. We vibe each other and I’m happy with just that. 

My job sucks and I want to quit,but I cannot due to the fact that I need it until I find a WAY better job. I’m starting to lose sexual interest and I don’t think this is weird. I feel that I am seeking peace in some sort of way. I quit smoking weed(for now) and I drink once every blue moon. I want to really find myself and seek happiness to the fullest. I’m sort of losing my way yet I’m finding new ways to express myself without coming off looking like a complete dumbass. I can only be myself for so long. I want to find love again,but for some reason; I think its better for me just to be celibate and stay focused into finding peace/hope. 

I will take one day at a time.

Any thoughts on what I should do instead?

Don’t be restricted by anyone.

Trust me.

When you gather enough strength,you will truly realize that only you can run your life.

I really need better social skills.

As an adult, I strongly feel that I truly lack communication. I’m used to being the oddball out of my peers but they’re times where I’m tired of being that yet I cannot hold a conversation to save my life. When I usually speak,people get the wrong idea about me and it seriously bothers me.

Even when I attended college; I often got misjudged/my words would be taken out of context and it has plagued me every since then. So much for being “myself”.

Just saying

real talk.

Soo.. 

I’m back for a short period of time.

I don’t have internet at my new place,so I visited my parents for the night and did laundry and spent time on Tumblr.

So.. I gave The Weeknd a chance and I’m slowly becoming a fan of him.(He still can’t touch Maxwell/D’Angelo)

My dreads are longer and I quit my 2nd job and I’m looking for another job. I’m currently thinking about going back to the temp services. I’m still single and I’m slowly  thinking about becoming celibate. or maybe Asexual. I don’t know why I’m doing this. I’ve been single for long that I really haven’t thought getting into another relationship.(Well,maybe once or twice but I really no desire anymore.)

Now don’t get me wrong,WOMEN are my strongest passion,but after a failed relationship attempt,I literally just stopped it all. I was becoming a monster. The person that I didn’t want to become.

I want to take some time away and get my emotions back in place to become a stronger person. 

This is only the beginning of something.. a Trilogy maybe…

Does anyone has any advice for me?