Inner Soul

Personally..

I know that everyone has that crush that just comes in their life..

and some people crush so hard that you’re wishing that they are closer to you..

or 

If they’re crushing on you.(feeling the same way)

The point is..you build yourself for failure and you don’t even know it. I say that because I did. I fell for someone that lived in California and personally,we connected so great and I thought she was the one. She told me NOT to fall for her,but I didn’t listen. Now at my current state,I realize that I reached the point of no return and pretty much when it all came to the point; I got hurt and she fell for someone else. 

We lost touch and til this day..I still feel like the biggest idiot.

WHY you ask?

Because I gave her precious time out of my busy life to support her during her toughest times. I literally sent her something very “sentimental” to me and I feel like a dumbass because that item was really worth something.(A special person passed it down to me in other words.)

I got emotionally drained and I felt all angry for a few months. I hated anyone who was in a relationship. I didn’t want to talk to anyone for weeks and I got sick. I stopped eating and sleeping for days. I let my dreads unravel and stopped shaving.

I constantly griped and complained at my job and my own father couldn’t help me due to the fact he walked away from me. My mother was no help. I felt everything was FALLING apart physically and mentally. I constantly had the same nightmare whenever I slept. Over and over. I rarely have dreams/nightmares, but when I did; terror would just plague me.

I would dream of being in the jungle where I would see her literally in front of her and she would fall and I would catch her every time. When I caught her,she would literally stab me or slit my throat and yell at me. I would wake up in a pool of sweat and blood out of my nose. I knew that something was wrong and I really had to think this through. I kept in contact with a old friend who gave me advice. As time passed, I gotten more better. I stopped thinking about it and eventually I had finally let her go fully.

I stopped having  nightmare and I had the same thing but instead of her,it was another person who was reading. She covered her face and when she was about to reveal her face, the sun would cover her face and I would smile. 

Personally,I still have a lot to learn to let things go and realize to stop looking for a person and learn to love and empower myself. 

Crushes come and go.

I don’t have a moral to this story..all I can do is just be patient.

Can someone tell me the moral of this story?

I wish a special lady would come wash my dreads. A brother would appreciate that fully. That is all. lol.

As I type this… I realize something.

I originally wrote this on paper and pen but I truly hated it because It was sounded so dark and gloomy. I was so angry and frustrated about life itself that I burned it.

So I start off on a better note/mood. 

As of today. I slightly enjoy life bit by bit. I went to go see Rise of the Guardians with friends and this special friend that I have. She was clearly happy to see me but It was like someone really said something wrong to her. I play “Therapist”/Best Friend to her and I gotten some deep information about her girlfriend(sort-of). I gave her my honest opinion about it and some side-advice. She truly agreed with me and we continued with the movie. We ate Taco Bell, telling jokes and laughing at her brother’s girlfriend when she had a nacho on the back of her shirt. We left and chilled at her place and watched Good Deeds. We laughed and I sat there realizing that she is probably the only friend(female wise that I find truly special) that actually gets who I am. A tear came out of my eye and I quickly turn away so no one sees me. She takes me back to my parents house and we just sat in the car and talked about our pets and our lives in the present. We take jokes at each other and as much I wanted to kiss her..I didn’t. I simply hugged her and told her that “everything is going to be fine, I promise you that.” She nodded and we went our separate ways. As much I want to be with her..I cannot come on too strong yet be too weak. All I can do is just support her and be her friend. I am making progress not to get too attached to someone. I just hope she feels the same way someday. We vibe each other and I’m happy with just that. 

My job sucks and I want to quit,but I cannot due to the fact that I need it until I find a WAY better job. I’m starting to lose sexual interest and I don’t think this is weird. I feel that I am seeking peace in some sort of way. I quit smoking weed(for now) and I drink once every blue moon. I want to really find myself and seek happiness to the fullest. I’m sort of losing my way yet I’m finding new ways to express myself without coming off looking like a complete dumbass. I can only be myself for so long. I want to find love again,but for some reason; I think its better for me just to be celibate and stay focused into finding peace/hope. 

I will take one day at a time.

Any thoughts on what I should do instead?

In Beetlejuice.

Winona Ryder playing as Lydia.

She was so gorgeous. I loved her character as a child. 

I don’t know why.

Am I the only one who thinks that?

Maybe its time for me to let you go emotionally/mentally so I can move on physically.

Don’t be restricted by anyone.

Trust me.

When you gather enough strength,you will truly realize that only you can run your life.

So here I am.

Again.

Telling tumblr my feelings and emotions.

Earlier today I went to go see Dredd 3D(It was meh,)

I’m closer to moving out day by day. Even though I will still be broke,I have great friends that are helping me find a WAY better job than a G.E Plant Job.

I forgot that Listening to Seal/Sade ALWAYS calms my mind and cleanses my soul from the negative energy and depression that surrounds me.

No love interest,but that’s okay..I know that special woman will come to my life.

I was crushing on a woman on tumblr and I wanted to talk to her,Yet she didn’t reply back. I never get noticed at all,but Its okay.(I guess)

Paradise(One Day) is a place that special woman and I can connect and be 1body and 1mind. Lasting in a powerful love making and sensual connection.

I will always struggle to get where I’m going,but It will pay off when I’m in a new place in life with friends and family.

I hate being alone,but someone is feeling the same way.

I only hope for the best.

Salutations,and Good Night.